I must be too annoying 4 u.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
