I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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