why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
