Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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