yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dick very happy bro
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
