I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
