So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
