Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
