I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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