My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
