i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
