My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
