there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize