Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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