I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
