I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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