I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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