I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
