I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
