At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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