She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize