I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
