my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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