I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
