I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
