well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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