It's Friday. Sex?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
