He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
