my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
