Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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