My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
