my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize