so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
