If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
