i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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