i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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