you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
