hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
