Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
