I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
