I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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