I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need to sanitize my soul.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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