if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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