No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
