Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
