Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
