I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize