either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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