Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
