someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
