she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
