Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
