I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
