I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
