dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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