Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
