You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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