Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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