Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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