I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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