I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
