tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
