Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
