It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worst night to have a conscience
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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