I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
