my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
