She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
