Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
