Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
