i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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